I have a very big decision to make and I'm coming here to try to get my head straight.

I wasn't ready for this decision, but it was handed to me and now I need to deal with it.  Raley's is trying to reduce some of the higher-paid workers.  This includes senior clerks and management.  Instead of giving us the boot, they're making it an option and providing an extra incentive to quit.  They're offering me 75% of what I made last year to quit this year.

Now, this puts me in a very interesting position because I've been TRYING to get a new job anyway.  I hate this job and I know that I'm capable of doing so much more than this.  More importantly, this is NOT the career that I want to pursue.  I view this as an opportunity, a very good one.  Quit my job, make some money, and then use my 9 months worth of pay to find a new job.

However, after speaking to my dad about this, he had some different feelings about this.  He sees this as a big risk, and it is.  The economy is in shambles right now.  And just the fact that they're paying us to quit should speak volumes about what the rest of the job market is like right now.  It's very tempting to quit my job right now, but what next?  Find my dream job?  I don't know if that job is even hiring right now.  Why not keep pursuing my actuary work and quit my job on my terms, not theirs?

It's a very tough decision and it is going to drive me nuts here.  So I thought I'd take the time to write here and I'm going to write down a few given statements to help me decide on which side of the fence I'm going to go for.  So let's see how this goes.

I don't like my job.

I don't want to be at this job for the rest of my life.

I know I can pass the actuary test if I put enough time into it.  It's hard, probably the hardest test I'll ever take, but God damnit, it's not beyond me.

I don't know if there's any kind of demand in the actuary market right now.

The interview process is going to take a while.

I could try to get into another field. 

One of the reasons I want to quit my job is to have time to pursue actuary work.  But if I try to get a different job right away, I won't have much time to study for it anyway.

If I just switch jobs and remain as busy as I am now, the only real benefit I get is that 75%.

My dad completely opposes to this idea, and he's usually right.

I want to make this work.

Is it better to take a chance and pursue my dream job, or to conform to the safe option?

I have a mortgage payment.

I want a safety net career before I jump off this cliff.

People I talk to in the teaching industry seem to be overly optimistic for me and somewhat wishy-washy at the same time.  "Oh yea, you can definitely find a teaching job with a math degree...but I don't know who's hiring right now".  I don't trust their guidance as they might just be pushing me to go into their field.

Aunt Maria did mention substituting if I have to.  Not a bad idea.  Talk to Mike about how many days he gets.

Need to talk to Dr. Sundar.

Try to get job with TID.

Teaching very well might be the x-factor in all this.  But do I want to jump right in or pursue my long-term dream career?

CSET is difficult and it's going to take time to study for, just like the actuary exam but not as much.

I don't identify with these people that I work with.

At some point, I'm going to do things the way that I want to do them, with or without the consent of my parents.  I may be wrong, but I need to do things MY way.

Talk to Ozvaldo about CSET preparation.

Credentials while teaching.

Ms. Keyes might hire me on the spot to be a teacher for Ceres.  Talk to her if I have to.  Wording would be crucial.

Ed Join to see what's available.

Geez, it has been a long time since I've written in here.  Let's see if I can pick up where I left off.

In my last entry, I sensed that something big was about to happen.  And it did.  For once, I wasn't the rational straight-arrow that I always have been.

Jennifer is a cashier for Raley's.  She had been flirting with me a bit.  She asked me to take her out to dinner in a flirty way.  Half jokingly, I accepted.  She then took the initiative to write me a note and stick it in my pocket.

As a manager, it's a big no-no to date anyone that you directly supervise.  I knew this.  At any other time in my life, I wouldn't have taken her up on this offer.  But it was different this time.  This time, I believed that living is worth more than money.  This time, I was willing to risk it all for the sake of risking it all.  I accepted her invitation.

I had a thing for her.  Here's a girl that is as intelligent as they come.  She's witty, opinionated, bold yet sensetive, and beautiful.  Previous incidents at work lead me to greatly trust her.  I was going to risk my career for just anyone now. 

We went out to dinner.  I decided that we should go to Turlock because if anyone from Raley's saw us, I was pretty much fired.  Crazy and wreckless, but not stupid.  Dinner went fine.  We then headed over to my apartment where we sat down on my couch to watch a movie as we had some wine.  We got closer and eventually started making out.  We had a good time.

We hung out the next day as well.  Here's a girl that loved to talk to me, and loved to be with me.  We weren't getting serious yet.  We knew that we were a long way from that, but we did enjoy eachother's company.  Then shit hit that fan, as usual.

Long story short, it turns out that she was going through a few personal problems, I wasn't the only one that she was "talking" to, and she's a very dramatic person...even for a girl.  She came over one night and told me about all the guys that were after her.  When she stood at my door, about to leave, she puckered her lips for a kiss.  I gave her a quick kiss and felt like a cheap piece of shit afterward.  I ended up getting jealous and frustrated in the days and weeks to come.  Our friendship didn't last much longer, and this greatly complicated our working relationship.  She's now with one of the handfull of guys that she was talking to.  He happens to work for Raley's and they seem very happy together.  I'm happy for them.  He's a good guy for her and a friend of mine.

I say that now.  I have no hard feelings toward her.  But the result of all this left me in the worst depression that I've ever been in.  The one that I've been in until today.  But it's not all her fault.  I understand that I had some issues that were already lingering before I got close to her, and have remained after her. 

Fast forward several months to somewhere around July, 2008.  By now, my parents have talked me into buying a house.  They say that I should move back in with them to save up extra money while I look.  After a few weeks of thinking about this, I take them up on their offer.  And to this day, I'm back with my parents.  Shortly later, I get transferred to the Turlock Raley's.  Corporate wanted to redistribute management since my old store had a lot of managers and Turlock's managers were dropping.  They say that someone from Modesto has to go to Turlock.  My boss figures that I'm from Turlock, so I should be the one to go.  And that's that.  I'm out of there and working in the Turlock Raley's now.

Turlock Raley's is much different.  There's a lot more older folk that work there and it's more established and organized.  So there's a lot less shit to deal with.  The only thing I really have to worry about is learning everything at this store, which I already have, and Blanca the unholy bitch of an assistant director.  Always angry, always talking down to you.  Aside from that, I figure that it's the same job in a different location.

In the meantime, I'm now talking to a new girl I met online.  Another intelligent one.  I can't help it, I'm attracted to intelligence.  Unfrotunately, I also seem to be attracted to two-faced cunts.  Months after it ended, and I still think about her.  My heart still full of anger, pain, and hate.  It is starting to get a little better, but I STILL think about her, and not just because I'm writing here.  Danielle and I were very close, talking for hours upon hours every day of the summer.  I don't know if I've ever been able to talk to someone for 6 to 8 hours on a daily basis.  We just clicked.  We started drifting apart as she started school again.  It was another guy, as I had started to suspect and even talked to her about it.  I did everything I could to hold us together.  She brushed it off like I was paranoid, but I was completely right.  I wish her and I could still be friends, but friends wouldn't do what she did to me.  She still tries to talk to me from time to time, but after I told her off, I found the strength to delete her from my list so that I wouldn't feel compelled to talk to her or think about her as much.  I only talk to her on the rare occasion that she messages me.  I don't open up to her anymore.  I'm civil, but not friendly.  I care about her more than she'll ever know, but I just don't think she's a good person and I don't want to have much to do with her.  I'm not disappointed in her, I just realized that she's not who I thought she was.  I wish it was as simple as I say it is here.  But I keep thinking about her, missing what I had and what could have been.

I can't forgive her.  I've tried and I can't.  I don't think it's healthy to have all this anger in my heart.  I've even reached out to Christian communities that I've debated against.  Why?  Because as much as I despise their religion, I think Christianity capitalizes on forgiveness.  And it's an aspect that I'd like to learn from.  Unlike most, I believe that wisdom can be achieved from sources that one doesn't agree with.  I'm still working on this forgiveness thing.

So fast forward to now.  What have we learned here?  Well, for one, I'm not going to bother holding a relationship together next time.  I think I'm very perceptive and when I start to suspect something not right, it's because there's something not right.   Next time I start to suspect of something, I'm just going to end it there.  Next, I learned that I must have made some kind of impression at my Modesto Raley's.  I've had 3 girls come on to me, saying that they like me.  There's a 4th one that makes subtle hints.  Go figure.

 And now for today.  No big events today, but something big did happen.  I had an epiphany about my life.  For a brief moment, it all made sense in my head and I knew exactly what I had to do.  This is the reason why my blog here isn't one of depression even though my depression has lasted this entire year, and has been the worst one I've had.  With no signs of hope of feeling better, it all suddenly made sense.  My depression has only gotten worse with my job.  I've landed into a dead end job.  My ambition remains, but I realize that it can't be fulfilled at this job.  Why shoot myself in the face when I can attempt to do more with my life than Raley's?  What do I have to lose?  I think I'm going to go back to school.  I don't have all the details worked out, but it made sense for a moment and I think I'm going to roll with it. 

Where will we go from here?  The story is still being written.  For now, just know that I'm still here.

There's two parts to this blog.  The first is what has to come out now, as it happened just today.  The next is what has been brewing in my head and might as well come out now.

Well, another day at work.  A shitty day?  Well, I don't know.  I was the closer and Adam was my pre-closer.  He came back from his lunch break and hung around in front while Tina left.  I figured that he was watching the front so I went back to my closing duties.  I come back, 20 minutes later to make sure that we got the sweep in.  No, it wasn't done.  I get it in late.  I figured that Adam was up front, he could have made sure of it.  And who knows where he is now.  I was annoyed because now our boss is going to come down on both of us.  Furthermore, I can't do any of my closing work if I have to keep an eye up front since Adam is incompetent.  So yea, I'm annoyed.  I call Adam up before I go on my dinner.  I tell him that I'm going and that he missed the sweep.  He gets all pissy, and tries to blame me for it.  No, I tell him.  You were up front.  He says that he just got back from his lunch.  Exactly, I said, and he could have made sure that the sweep went through when he came back.  Oh ok, so he challenges me, asking if that's what I do.  Yes, I say.  He tells me I'm full of shit and hangs up on me.  I go on my hour break and come back, still pissed.  Don't fucking call me a liar just because I take the extra step to make sure shit's running right.  I come back, and now he's being more docile.  I don't say much to him, just so he knows that I'm pissed.  He tries to say something real quick, but not so rudely this time.  He says that he wasn't even here for it.  I know, I say.  But you could have made sure that the swipe went through when you got here.  He tells me that he didn't get here right at 7:00.  I ask him what time he came in.  He says he doesn't know the exact time.  I just roll my eyes at him and walk off.  For the rest of the night, he's more friendly with me than usual, but I'm not responding to it.  I'm mad, and my demeanor tells him "don't fuck with me".  He discusses something with me about security watching Jay to make sure he paid to get the gas discount.  I respond by being short with him.  He tells me that our boss wanted something done.  He asks if I need him for anything.  I walk off, forcing him to follow me to talk.  I tell him that I'm fine by myself.  Fuck him, if he can't even watch the fucking front while he's there, then he does me no good.  Can he take care of breaks?  No.  Can he make sure the sweeps go through?  No.  Can he make signs?  No.  Is he responsible if the store looks like shit?  No.  I already got the milk and the water.  Shit, I might as well do it all.  I don't need him, I figure.  He tells me that he doesn't want to just leave me hanging.  Excuse me?  That's a first.  I insist that I'm fine and tell him to work on what our boss wanted done.  We go our seperate ways, and then he clocks out to go home.  He waves and I don't acknowledge him.

Sounds interesting, huh?  This is what it takes to get some fucking respect out of this place.  He gives me shit and I don't back down.  He gets more friendly, but I don't respond like a fucking dog that you can kick one minute and pet the next.  Fuck that.  No, the sweep isn't that big of a deal.  It was more just about me not taking shit from him anymore.  I'm tired of him talking down to me.  But it sounds weird, huh?  Like it takes primitive animal behavior to be accepted.  Watch as the young lion claims his territory despite the alpha male trying to intrude.  The young lion snarls and threatens of an attack.  The alpha lion, caught off-guard by the young lion's sudden courage, backs away.  Pathetic.  Just plain pathetic.  I guess that's the only way you're going to get through to people like him.

Jay pulled me aside at one point, very upset.  I guess Adam made it a little too obvious that he was looking at Jay's receipt and it made Jay feel disrespected.  Like my problem with Adam and the rest of management, it has been a lingering issue.  Jay doesn't feel that anybody wants him around.  He was really mad, and was considering just walking out and not coming back.  He said that I was the only one he could talk to.  I told him that I know where he's coming from because I feel like I'm in the same boat half the time.  He said that if management doesn't want him there, he can just leave.  See, Jay has a bit more of a gangsta image.  He thinks the other managers look at him like he's a thief or something.  This receipt incident was just the last straw.  Anywho, he asked me how he would go about putting in his two weeks.  When I asked him why, all that was what he spit out.  I told him that I hope he doesn't think I'm giving him shit because it's all done in gest when I do.  He said the problem isn't with me, but the others.  I told him how he would go about putting in his two weeks.  Then I told him that I want him here, but I don't know how much that means to him.  He said that that meant a lot to him, and that he respects me and stuff.  I explained to him that some of the other managers are going to have these certain mindsets because he wears baggy clothes and earrings.  I told him that they do it to me too just because I'm young.  I gave him my advice, and that was to just roll with the punches and eventually earn their respect, which is what I'm trying to do.  I told him that I respect people until they give me reason not to, but not everyone is like that.  With some people, you have to earn it.  The advice went like that, along with lots of venting on his part.  At the end, he said he felt a lot better and I could see it in him as well.

So was it a shitty day?  It's hard to say.  Lots of shit happened.  And when the dust finally settles, I can't conclude whether it was a good day or a bad one.  Well, maybe it was good because my boss pulled me up when I first got there and told me that I was shopped and I got a 6, which is great.  He shook my hand after that.  All that crap with Adam, was that good or bad?  I really don't know.  With Jay?  Well that talk was good.  But lingering in the back is the fact that security and Adam actually were trying to figure out if Jay was stealing or not, which I didn't mention to him.  The only obviously good was my 6.  So I don't know.  So ends another day in the life of Jose the manager. 

I start looking at my life like I'm on some kind of path that I have no say in.  I go to school all my life, then to college, then to work.  Now, I'm stuck at work.  I wonder for a moment if I should go back to school.  Nah, I figure.  I need to work.  What if I just quit?  Nah, I need to work.  You know what?  Fuck that whole mentality.  It's MY fucking life and I'll do whatever the Hell I want.  I don't owe Raley's anything.  I don't owe my family anything.  It's me.  My life.  If I want to join the army, I'm going to fucking join the army.  If I want to quit my job, then I'm going to quit my fucking job.  If I want to go back to school, then I'm going to go back to fucking school.  I'm not afraid of doing what I want.  Of course, this is a very new mentality to me and it still requires a lot of thought.  However, I'm sensing that something very big might change soon.  To what, I don't know.  Currently, the most compelling choice is to start studying more heavily for the actuary exams.  I haven't really done so because I've been scared of losing my job and trying to do better at that first.  Well I don't think I'm on the chop block anymore, and couldn't care less if I was anyway.  The other idea is to just move out of this whole state.  Or maybe just out of this apartment.  Or maybe just quit my job.  Or maybe go drift off into some other part of the country.  Or maybe go back to school.  I really don't know.  But some thoughts are starting to brew.