We're there and it's official.  I hate my job.

You get asked what you want to be when you grow up.  Fireman, astronaut, police officer, president.  Nobody says grocery store manager.  But I look around and I see people at least twice my age that are doing this.  Maybe I'll be here for the rest of my life, and maybe I won't.  But part of me is dead now, just like them.

Wake up.  Get something to eat.  Go to the bathroom.  Get ready for work.  Work, work, work.  Come home.  Screw around on the computer.  Go to sleep.  Wake up.  This is your life that we're talking about here.  It's not some summer camp or work retreat.  This is your fucking life, and it's ending one minute at a time.  The harsh realities of a full-time job are plenty to discourage youthful exuberance.  But they don't teach you that in school.  Nor do they teach you that you will be frowned upon by the older folk for being young and ambitious with the same title. 

Everyone speaks down to me.  Everyone seems to want to get under my skin.  God forbid that we cooperate as a unified team.  This resulted in me taking more blame than I should have, which ultimately resulted with me drinking myself to sleep.  This later evolved when I adopted the "fuck it" philosophy.  And might I add that this philosophy is the greatest that my generation is responsible for.  I figured, what's the worst thing that could happen to me?  I'd lose my job.  Ohhh noooo, I wouldn't get to work in a grocery store for the rest of my life.  Fuck it.  I don't care.  That's not to say that I wouldn't do my best, but I don't give a fuck after that.  More shit from people, so my mentality evolved once more and I started giving them shit back.  I'm not some fucking doormat.  Get over your fucking self.  If you give me shit, then you're getting it back.  And that's where are are now.  Petty?  Immature?  More like standing up for yourself when people have nothing better to do than give you shit for sake of giving you shit.

And I start to wonder, what the heck is the point of all this?  Working a job that I hate, and then die.  Just like everyone else.  Dead inside.  Empty.  It's such a materialistic and sad reality that we all face.  It's my life.  Everything is gray.  It's always cold.  Spending my few years of existence being unhappy, only to find non-existence as the fruit of my labor.  The longer I stare into my reality, the more I want to quit everything.  And I've only just begun.

Well hello there.  Long time no see.  Ok, well I thought I was over this shit, but I keep thinking about it and it keeps bothering me.  With no one to talk to, I'm left with this option.  Besides, most people don't want to hear bitching and moaning, even though we've all gotta let it out.  So here we go.

My job is stressing me out.  It's killing my pride and self-esteem.  Imagine working all the time, making pretty good money, but being told that you suck just about every day.  A hooker maybe?  Is that all I am?  Sacraficing myself for money, I guess so. 

I just had my second long lecture by the boss, telling me that I suck, but not specifically stating why I suck.  It's the second lecture in the last four weeks.  In terms of me sucking, the first lecture was far worse, but this last one has much greater problems lingering in the background.

I'm new to this company.  I'm the youngest manager, by far, and I find myself stuck in very difficult situations.  Since I'm new, I'm being probed up the ass.  I can't sit in the break room, on my break, without someone watching me and possibly thinking that I'm just being lazy, and then reporting to my boss.  Who these spies are, I'm not sure.  But I have my suspicions.  New hires are expected to do the best they can as they learn everything.  Management is expected to know everything.  Where does that leave me? 

I tried to be the nice manager.  Sure enough, I was walked on.  On one particular time, the store was quiet and I found the cashier watching self-checkout in the floral department yapping with one of the produce guys.  She was making balloons, and I don't think she had any customers in her lanes, but it wasn't exactly professional.  I told her to get back.  She didn't.  I waited a minute or two, but she wouldn't come.  I came back one more time.  She said she was coming, but didn't come again.  I came back one more time, looked disappointed and pissed off, and she finally got out of the damn area.  The guy, Colby, came with her.  I ended up having to physically push him in the direction of his department.  Well, sure enough, this incident got mentioned in the first lecture with my boss.  Apparently, someone said that I wasn't exactly ruling with an iron first like I should.  Was it one of them?  I don't know, but somebody said it to him.  So, there goes the nice manager.  I wasn't putting up with shit, especially not from those two.  And believe me, Jennifer and Colby would always be screwing around.  I wasn't as mad as I was until Adam, another manager, wrote down in our management book that Jennifer was making all kinds of rude comments about the managers.  Adam isn't fast enough, Tina talks to much, and Jose doesn't know anything.  And her and I had a long friendly chat too, I thought we were friends.  Fuck that, no more nice manager.  I let her slide on her breaks so she could get them how she wants them, sometimes let her out early.  No more.  When she was late, I'd scowl at her so she knows.  Of course, she was still friendly with me.  But I wasn't going out of my way to be friendly with her.  Civil and polite, but stern.  So Colby comes along one day and sure enough, he starts distracting another one of my cashiers.  So after he leaves, I approach him face to face and tell him that my (our) boss is on my ass about him distracting my cashiers, and that I'd really appreciate it if he wouldn't.  He seemed understanding, and he went on his way.  He approached me 20 minutes later, very upset.  I was cool and calm as I listened to him.  He said that he knows I'm just doing my job, but he's not distracting them from anything since there aren't any customers and that he's such a hard worker and so on.  I explained to him that his work ethic is not in question and that even I have appreciated his help in my department.  No, I explained, the issue is how it's being projected throughout the store.  How do customers see it, how do our co-workers see it, and how am I seen if this is happening.  I shook his hand and told him that it wasn't anything personal.  He thanked me for approaching him like a man.  It was very hard for me to do, but I did it.  Colby and I get along pretty well now.  I have to admit, he's a good guy with a lot of character.

Anywho, where the fuck was I?  Oh right, so no more nice manager, right?  Well, maybe that wasn't the smartest plan either.  I try to rule more with an iron fist, and believe me, it's tough.  It's tough when the people you're managing are older than you.  It's difficult to get respect when you're this young and put in a high position.  But I had to do what I had to do.  So I ruled more with an ironfist, ordering people around, getting things done the way I wanted them done.  Correcting people, encouraging people, making my voice heard on how I want them to do things.  It certainly wasn't going well with some.  And sure enough, in this second lecture, I'm getting bad-mouthed by some of our co-workers. 

So let me get this straight, boss.  You want me to be more stern with the people that I manage.  But then you go to these very same people and ask them how I'm doing?  You've gotta be kidding me.  Of course they're not going to like it when I'm more stern, and of course they're not going to like me for doing it, and of course they're going to bad-mouth me if you ask them how I'm doing.  Fucking stupid, what the fuck am I supposed to do?  It's not like I went from one extreme to another, but the medium they're looking for is as thin as a hair if it even exists.

Everyone has something to bitch about.  Someone said that I wasn't paying attention to their breaks.  Excuse me, whoever the fuck that minimum wage bagger was, but I am the only fucking manager that tries to get them their breaks.  How do I know?  Because whenever I take over, I have to catch up on breaks that haven't been taken.  I pick up the slack of the other managers that don't give them their breaks, so shut your fucking mouth.

I was told in the first lecture that I'm not supposed to just be watching the front.  The boss wants me all over the store.  I'm sorry, I was trying to be like Tina, who never leaves the front.  Not for me?  Well, alright then.  So when it's slower, I'd put one of my best cashiers on the checkstand next to self-checkout so that they can be a cashier and keep an eye on that in case someone needs help.  If they get backed up, they know they can call me and I'll come help.  I do this so that I can go around the store doing shit.  Weelllll, Tammy comes along and tells me to leave the checkstand next to self-checkout open so that I can jump in and out of it if I need to while I watch self-checkout.  Well if I do that, then I'm strapped to the front of the store, which the boss clearly told me not to do.  So I told Tammy that I do things a little differently than Tina and explained that my cashier can call me if she gets backed up somewhere.  Tammy says, "Ok whatever, fine" in a very angry way.  So I chase after her and ask, "Well what do you think I should do?"  She says, "Whatever, do what you want", but in a rude way.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Boss tells me one way.  She tells me another way, and then bitches to my boss about not listening to her. 

So last night, I was talking to Tammy, another manager.  One thing lead to another, and then we got into a discussion about opening doors while the money is being collected.  See, what happens is the closing manager has to pick up all the money.  But while they're doing that, all kinds of people are wanting to get in the store.  Not customers, it's the cleaning people, gas station workers, night crew, and scanners.  Apparently, we're not supposed to be letting them in.  So Tammy got all defensive about it telling us we're not supposed to.  I told her that I was told it was more of a grey issue.  Nooo, she got all defensive.  It's THIS way.  She explained that it's against company policy to open the doors while the money is out.  Oh, I explained that I was told to use my judgement about it, obviously not take all the money out there.  Instead, I usually push all the money into the locked room with the safe inside and then answer the door.  Nooooo, she got all defensive again and explained that if a robber came in and held a gun to my head, he'd have me open up the door.  Well no shit, I thought.  But what's the fucking difference?  If I went the extra step and put it in the safe, he'd just ask me to open the fucking safe.  So she's telling me all this shit about company policy and getting defensive when I'm just trying to justify why I was doing what I was doing.  Meanwhile, she tells me that she was using the drop-box key to sort out all the large bills and stuff under the teels.  She was doing this, despite knowing that it's against company policy.  Personally, I was told never to have the drop box key out during store hours, and that opening the door was to be done with good judgement.  So here she is, preaching about company policy, despite breaking rules. 

Anyway, this is what triggered the last lecture by the boss.  He didn't say it, but he dropped enough clues in there for me to figure out what happened.  Tammy thought I was arguing with her about what to do.  She has been working with the company for so long and I'm new, so I don't know shit. Look Tammy, just shut the fuck up.  I'm sorry that I was told differently by a different manager.  I'm not arguing with you, I'm just saying that I was told otherwise.  Congratulations for being with the same company for so long.  Good for you.  I'm sorry I'm only 23 years old and I'm new to the company.  Get over yourself.  Fuck you.

Blah, so much more to write, but I've gotta get to bed.  I'm going jogging tomorrow morning with Erica.  Yea...weird.  Who am I kidding.  I've got $20 saying that she'll bail on me, like all the other women do.  Blah. 

First of all, I got a job at the new Raley's opening up in Modesto.  I'll be managing there, which is super cool.  I don't have any previous management experience, but the hiring manager saw something in me.  He asked me if I'd be interested in any other position if I couldn't get in the management one.  I told him that I don't think so.  He started telling me about some graveyard stocking position.  I wasn't interested in it until he told me that a lot of people in that position get moved up to management just because it's so important.  He sold me on it, and I told him that I'd be willing to do it, granted that I wasn't too thrilled about it and I'd rather have the management job.  Well I did well enough in the interview, so he called me in for a second interview on the next morning.  I figured that I was going to get the stocking job, so I was happy and disappointed going into that interview.  But to my surprise, he basically told me that he was considering me for the management job among two others, whom both have management experience.  He asked me to explain to him why I should get the job even though I have no experience.  Well, I was completely honest with him.  I told him that I had been having trouble getting any professional experience because people don't hire you unless you have professional experience.  Even now, it was still a handicap and I was a big underdog going in.  For that reason, I'm considering Raley's or grad school.  I told him that I know how important it is to excel with professional experience and that I was willing to go above and beyond expectations.  He told me that he was sold, and he shook my hand.  He said that he wants to look back on this in a few years and say to himself that this was the best decision he ever made.  I made it.  I freakin' made it!  If anyone has ever seen "Pursuit of Happiness", then you'll know exactly how I felt when he shook my hand.  I was in shock and almost wanted to cry.  I finally caught my break, and I'm not going to let them down.  I just got all the paperwork taken care of, and I start in less than a week for orientation and training.

In between working for Applebee's and talking to Raley's, I have been involved in the PREP program again.  It's purpose is to spark kid's interest in math and science so that they can take college-level courses by the time they're juniors and seniors in high school.  So I'm teaching the math classroom.  I'm getting them to think, but I'm doing it in a fun way to get them interested in mathematics.  We just finished the second day of the program, and it has been a huge success.  The kids love me, and they're all having fun.  One little boy said, "Wow, it's already over?  Wow, and I actually understood everything too!" which makes me feel like I'm doing well.  They're all between 6th and 9th grade, and I love getting the gears in their heads to move.  I guess it just feels good to give back to the community.

I put in my two weeks notice at Applebee's.  I had been wanting to do that for the last, geez how long has it been, four and a half years.  I'm finally moving on and it feels so good.  I'm going to miss all my Apple buddies because they're like family to me.  I'll definitely go back to see them when I can.

In the meantime, I'm looking to get my own place.  Right now, it looks like it's going to be an apartment in Modesto.  I haven't started seriously looking yet, mostly because I've been running around like crazy. 

But I'm still the same ol' Jose.  I still find time to argue with people about religion, politics, science, and whatever else comes up.  I'm still single.  I'm still finding time to play poker.  And I've recently picked up another hobby of playing chess.  I am the self-proclaimed chess master ever since I beat one of the chess people at the Merced fair, removing any previous doubt about me not being a nerd.  Yea, I know.  But I'm the coolest nerd that you will ever meet.

Blah,
Jose