There's two parts to this blog.  The first is what has to come out now, as it happened just today.  The next is what has been brewing in my head and might as well come out now.

Well, another day at work.  A shitty day?  Well, I don't know.  I was the closer and Adam was my pre-closer.  He came back from his lunch break and hung around in front while Tina left.  I figured that he was watching the front so I went back to my closing duties.  I come back, 20 minutes later to make sure that we got the sweep in.  No, it wasn't done.  I get it in late.  I figured that Adam was up front, he could have made sure of it.  And who knows where he is now.  I was annoyed because now our boss is going to come down on both of us.  Furthermore, I can't do any of my closing work if I have to keep an eye up front since Adam is incompetent.  So yea, I'm annoyed.  I call Adam up before I go on my dinner.  I tell him that I'm going and that he missed the sweep.  He gets all pissy, and tries to blame me for it.  No, I tell him.  You were up front.  He says that he just got back from his lunch.  Exactly, I said, and he could have made sure that the sweep went through when he came back.  Oh ok, so he challenges me, asking if that's what I do.  Yes, I say.  He tells me I'm full of shit and hangs up on me.  I go on my hour break and come back, still pissed.  Don't fucking call me a liar just because I take the extra step to make sure shit's running right.  I come back, and now he's being more docile.  I don't say much to him, just so he knows that I'm pissed.  He tries to say something real quick, but not so rudely this time.  He says that he wasn't even here for it.  I know, I say.  But you could have made sure that the swipe went through when you got here.  He tells me that he didn't get here right at 7:00.  I ask him what time he came in.  He says he doesn't know the exact time.  I just roll my eyes at him and walk off.  For the rest of the night, he's more friendly with me than usual, but I'm not responding to it.  I'm mad, and my demeanor tells him "don't fuck with me".  He discusses something with me about security watching Jay to make sure he paid to get the gas discount.  I respond by being short with him.  He tells me that our boss wanted something done.  He asks if I need him for anything.  I walk off, forcing him to follow me to talk.  I tell him that I'm fine by myself.  Fuck him, if he can't even watch the fucking front while he's there, then he does me no good.  Can he take care of breaks?  No.  Can he make sure the sweeps go through?  No.  Can he make signs?  No.  Is he responsible if the store looks like shit?  No.  I already got the milk and the water.  Shit, I might as well do it all.  I don't need him, I figure.  He tells me that he doesn't want to just leave me hanging.  Excuse me?  That's a first.  I insist that I'm fine and tell him to work on what our boss wanted done.  We go our seperate ways, and then he clocks out to go home.  He waves and I don't acknowledge him.

Sounds interesting, huh?  This is what it takes to get some fucking respect out of this place.  He gives me shit and I don't back down.  He gets more friendly, but I don't respond like a fucking dog that you can kick one minute and pet the next.  Fuck that.  No, the sweep isn't that big of a deal.  It was more just about me not taking shit from him anymore.  I'm tired of him talking down to me.  But it sounds weird, huh?  Like it takes primitive animal behavior to be accepted.  Watch as the young lion claims his territory despite the alpha male trying to intrude.  The young lion snarls and threatens of an attack.  The alpha lion, caught off-guard by the young lion's sudden courage, backs away.  Pathetic.  Just plain pathetic.  I guess that's the only way you're going to get through to people like him.

Jay pulled me aside at one point, very upset.  I guess Adam made it a little too obvious that he was looking at Jay's receipt and it made Jay feel disrespected.  Like my problem with Adam and the rest of management, it has been a lingering issue.  Jay doesn't feel that anybody wants him around.  He was really mad, and was considering just walking out and not coming back.  He said that I was the only one he could talk to.  I told him that I know where he's coming from because I feel like I'm in the same boat half the time.  He said that if management doesn't want him there, he can just leave.  See, Jay has a bit more of a gangsta image.  He thinks the other managers look at him like he's a thief or something.  This receipt incident was just the last straw.  Anywho, he asked me how he would go about putting in his two weeks.  When I asked him why, all that was what he spit out.  I told him that I hope he doesn't think I'm giving him shit because it's all done in gest when I do.  He said the problem isn't with me, but the others.  I told him how he would go about putting in his two weeks.  Then I told him that I want him here, but I don't know how much that means to him.  He said that that meant a lot to him, and that he respects me and stuff.  I explained to him that some of the other managers are going to have these certain mindsets because he wears baggy clothes and earrings.  I told him that they do it to me too just because I'm young.  I gave him my advice, and that was to just roll with the punches and eventually earn their respect, which is what I'm trying to do.  I told him that I respect people until they give me reason not to, but not everyone is like that.  With some people, you have to earn it.  The advice went like that, along with lots of venting on his part.  At the end, he said he felt a lot better and I could see it in him as well.

So was it a shitty day?  It's hard to say.  Lots of shit happened.  And when the dust finally settles, I can't conclude whether it was a good day or a bad one.  Well, maybe it was good because my boss pulled me up when I first got there and told me that I was shopped and I got a 6, which is great.  He shook my hand after that.  All that crap with Adam, was that good or bad?  I really don't know.  With Jay?  Well that talk was good.  But lingering in the back is the fact that security and Adam actually were trying to figure out if Jay was stealing or not, which I didn't mention to him.  The only obviously good was my 6.  So I don't know.  So ends another day in the life of Jose the manager. 

I start looking at my life like I'm on some kind of path that I have no say in.  I go to school all my life, then to college, then to work.  Now, I'm stuck at work.  I wonder for a moment if I should go back to school.  Nah, I figure.  I need to work.  What if I just quit?  Nah, I need to work.  You know what?  Fuck that whole mentality.  It's MY fucking life and I'll do whatever the Hell I want.  I don't owe Raley's anything.  I don't owe my family anything.  It's me.  My life.  If I want to join the army, I'm going to fucking join the army.  If I want to quit my job, then I'm going to quit my fucking job.  If I want to go back to school, then I'm going to go back to fucking school.  I'm not afraid of doing what I want.  Of course, this is a very new mentality to me and it still requires a lot of thought.  However, I'm sensing that something very big might change soon.  To what, I don't know.  Currently, the most compelling choice is to start studying more heavily for the actuary exams.  I haven't really done so because I've been scared of losing my job and trying to do better at that first.  Well I don't think I'm on the chop block anymore, and couldn't care less if I was anyway.  The other idea is to just move out of this whole state.  Or maybe just out of this apartment.  Or maybe just quit my job.  Or maybe go drift off into some other part of the country.  Or maybe go back to school.  I really don't know.  But some thoughts are starting to brew.