Geez, it has been a long time since I've written in here.  Let's see if I can pick up where I left off.

In my last entry, I sensed that something big was about to happen.  And it did.  For once, I wasn't the rational straight-arrow that I always have been.

Jennifer is a cashier for Raley's.  She had been flirting with me a bit.  She asked me to take her out to dinner in a flirty way.  Half jokingly, I accepted.  She then took the initiative to write me a note and stick it in my pocket.

As a manager, it's a big no-no to date anyone that you directly supervise.  I knew this.  At any other time in my life, I wouldn't have taken her up on this offer.  But it was different this time.  This time, I believed that living is worth more than money.  This time, I was willing to risk it all for the sake of risking it all.  I accepted her invitation.

I had a thing for her.  Here's a girl that is as intelligent as they come.  She's witty, opinionated, bold yet sensetive, and beautiful.  Previous incidents at work lead me to greatly trust her.  I was going to risk my career for just anyone now. 

We went out to dinner.  I decided that we should go to Turlock because if anyone from Raley's saw us, I was pretty much fired.  Crazy and wreckless, but not stupid.  Dinner went fine.  We then headed over to my apartment where we sat down on my couch to watch a movie as we had some wine.  We got closer and eventually started making out.  We had a good time.

We hung out the next day as well.  Here's a girl that loved to talk to me, and loved to be with me.  We weren't getting serious yet.  We knew that we were a long way from that, but we did enjoy eachother's company.  Then shit hit that fan, as usual.

Long story short, it turns out that she was going through a few personal problems, I wasn't the only one that she was "talking" to, and she's a very dramatic person...even for a girl.  She came over one night and told me about all the guys that were after her.  When she stood at my door, about to leave, she puckered her lips for a kiss.  I gave her a quick kiss and felt like a cheap piece of shit afterward.  I ended up getting jealous and frustrated in the days and weeks to come.  Our friendship didn't last much longer, and this greatly complicated our working relationship.  She's now with one of the handfull of guys that she was talking to.  He happens to work for Raley's and they seem very happy together.  I'm happy for them.  He's a good guy for her and a friend of mine.

I say that now.  I have no hard feelings toward her.  But the result of all this left me in the worst depression that I've ever been in.  The one that I've been in until today.  But it's not all her fault.  I understand that I had some issues that were already lingering before I got close to her, and have remained after her. 

Fast forward several months to somewhere around July, 2008.  By now, my parents have talked me into buying a house.  They say that I should move back in with them to save up extra money while I look.  After a few weeks of thinking about this, I take them up on their offer.  And to this day, I'm back with my parents.  Shortly later, I get transferred to the Turlock Raley's.  Corporate wanted to redistribute management since my old store had a lot of managers and Turlock's managers were dropping.  They say that someone from Modesto has to go to Turlock.  My boss figures that I'm from Turlock, so I should be the one to go.  And that's that.  I'm out of there and working in the Turlock Raley's now.

Turlock Raley's is much different.  There's a lot more older folk that work there and it's more established and organized.  So there's a lot less shit to deal with.  The only thing I really have to worry about is learning everything at this store, which I already have, and Blanca the unholy bitch of an assistant director.  Always angry, always talking down to you.  Aside from that, I figure that it's the same job in a different location.

In the meantime, I'm now talking to a new girl I met online.  Another intelligent one.  I can't help it, I'm attracted to intelligence.  Unfrotunately, I also seem to be attracted to two-faced cunts.  Months after it ended, and I still think about her.  My heart still full of anger, pain, and hate.  It is starting to get a little better, but I STILL think about her, and not just because I'm writing here.  Danielle and I were very close, talking for hours upon hours every day of the summer.  I don't know if I've ever been able to talk to someone for 6 to 8 hours on a daily basis.  We just clicked.  We started drifting apart as she started school again.  It was another guy, as I had started to suspect and even talked to her about it.  I did everything I could to hold us together.  She brushed it off like I was paranoid, but I was completely right.  I wish her and I could still be friends, but friends wouldn't do what she did to me.  She still tries to talk to me from time to time, but after I told her off, I found the strength to delete her from my list so that I wouldn't feel compelled to talk to her or think about her as much.  I only talk to her on the rare occasion that she messages me.  I don't open up to her anymore.  I'm civil, but not friendly.  I care about her more than she'll ever know, but I just don't think she's a good person and I don't want to have much to do with her.  I'm not disappointed in her, I just realized that she's not who I thought she was.  I wish it was as simple as I say it is here.  But I keep thinking about her, missing what I had and what could have been.

I can't forgive her.  I've tried and I can't.  I don't think it's healthy to have all this anger in my heart.  I've even reached out to Christian communities that I've debated against.  Why?  Because as much as I despise their religion, I think Christianity capitalizes on forgiveness.  And it's an aspect that I'd like to learn from.  Unlike most, I believe that wisdom can be achieved from sources that one doesn't agree with.  I'm still working on this forgiveness thing.

So fast forward to now.  What have we learned here?  Well, for one, I'm not going to bother holding a relationship together next time.  I think I'm very perceptive and when I start to suspect something not right, it's because there's something not right.   Next time I start to suspect of something, I'm just going to end it there.  Next, I learned that I must have made some kind of impression at my Modesto Raley's.  I've had 3 girls come on to me, saying that they like me.  There's a 4th one that makes subtle hints.  Go figure.

 And now for today.  No big events today, but something big did happen.  I had an epiphany about my life.  For a brief moment, it all made sense in my head and I knew exactly what I had to do.  This is the reason why my blog here isn't one of depression even though my depression has lasted this entire year, and has been the worst one I've had.  With no signs of hope of feeling better, it all suddenly made sense.  My depression has only gotten worse with my job.  I've landed into a dead end job.  My ambition remains, but I realize that it can't be fulfilled at this job.  Why shoot myself in the face when I can attempt to do more with my life than Raley's?  What do I have to lose?  I think I'm going to go back to school.  I don't have all the details worked out, but it made sense for a moment and I think I'm going to roll with it. 

Where will we go from here?  The story is still being written.  For now, just know that I'm still here.